she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
