I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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