I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
