My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
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