he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
