I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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