u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
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I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
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Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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