It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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