Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
