How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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