Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.