I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
