I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
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dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
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I AM VODKA MAN
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.