Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
