i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
