The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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