I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
