I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
