Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
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In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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