I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
