did you get engaged???
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
