I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
it glows. i had to have it.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
