Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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