I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
