....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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