so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
