so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
