Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
