Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My vagina is officially offended.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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