only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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