Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
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I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
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I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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