Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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