I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
