I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
