My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
