It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
