Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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