I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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