Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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