u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
