Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
