I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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