how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
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