So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
