ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
