I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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