Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
