just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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