I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
he shaved USA in his pubs
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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