I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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