how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
