first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Is Oprah even human
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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