the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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