I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
