i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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