..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
