there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
