And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
