when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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